The best Quotes from 2 Broke Girls (2024)

Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Max Black - Season 2 Episode 2

Do you think we can convince them that slapping each other's face is the new high five?

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 7

Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 11

Max: "Hi, ready to order?"
Guest: "Do you have anything that's really special?"
Max: "Not according to my high school guidance counselor."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2

Scaring people into participating isn't success, it's Scientology.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 21

Max: "Earl, can you break some 20s? The big spenders at table two wanna split their $11 check three ways - even though one person did all the eating."
Earl: "I was in a three-way once. Same thing happened."

Earl Washington - Season1 Episode 12

Earl: "Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to come out of Han's mouth?"
Max: "I got you pregnant?"
Earl: "Come on, bad, bad."
Max: "I got you pregnant again?"

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 4

That girl is workin' harder than Stephen Hawking tryin' to put in a pair of cufflinks.

Earl Washington - Season 1 Episode 1

Max: "How old are you gonna be?"
Earl: "75"
Max: "Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger..."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

Hey, if you got a second - stop staring at my boobs!

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay.
You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad.
And finally, you think this is the sound that gets you service. I think, this is the sound that dries up my v-gina.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 10

Caroline: "I'm much more concerned with our business and getting my head back above water. Men will come sooner or later."
Max: "Well, according to my research most men come sooner."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 7

This neighborhood is definitely on the rise. I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here. And that time was Wednesday.

Earl Washington - Season 1 Episode 7

Han Lee: "Hipsters like karaoke!"
Max: "Replace the word 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you got the three worst things in history."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 4

Caroline: "No need to yell, he's a champion."
Max: "Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard."
Caroline: "That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn."
Max: "Okay, well, I'm watching 'The Champion' drop some steaming hot 'Brooklyn' right now."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2

Caroline: "What'd you see in that guy, anyway?"
Max: "He had these muscle thingies."
Caroline: "Oh, those things?"
Max: "Yeah. I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

Han Lee: "Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty."
Max: "What's that from? Dr. Seuss' 'oh, the places you'll put it in'?"

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 8

I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.

Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 1

Robbie: "I'm Robbie."
Caroline: "I'm uncomfortable. You're getting me wet."
Robbie: "That's the point."

Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 1

You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sl-ts!

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 21

Listen, hit me with one more dead president and you'll be six feet under with Biggie and Tupac. You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?

Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 17

Han Lee: "Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two double-A batteries and a 20-minute break."

Max Black - Season1 Episode 12

Oleg: "If I knew we were gonna have staff meetings after work, I would've taken job at T.G.I. Friday instead. Over there, they roll fast and loose."
Han Lee: "Well, this is how I roll."
Max: "Yeah, short and slow."
Han Lee: "No, I roll fast and furious... Tokyo Drift style."

Max: "I kissed Johnny."
Caroline: "What? When?"
Max: "He came by the apartment right after you left."
Caroline: "I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do - shine a bat symbol on your v*gina?"

Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 9

Last time I was at the gold space loft, I went to a poetry slam and I wound up slamming a poet.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 9

Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last 'les' I'd 'be in'.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2

Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and crack wh*res. But then he took it over and ruined it.

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

Guest: "Excuse me, where is my waitress?"
[Paulina moaning]
Max Black: "She's coming."

Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.

Stephen Hawking

I'll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh makeup.

Kim Kardashian in The Kardashians

The bigger the lie, the more people believe in it.

Adolf Hitler

I don't have friends, I have family.

Dominic Toretto in Fast and Furious

A cow is a cow, no matter how many instagram filters you put on it.

Lucrecia Montesinos Hendrich in Élite - Season 2 Episode 1

Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.

Jimmy Carr