These short and funny quotes are all straight to the point, and hilarious.
If you need a quick laugh, some funny words about life or a whip-smart caption to use on your latest updates, then this epic list is for you!
Whether full-on sarcasm, clever puns or simple witty words are more your thing, this is a great collection and you are bound to find more than a handful that will have you laughing.
Very Short Funny Quotes About Life
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” Margaret Mead
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” George Bernard Shaw
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” Steven Wright
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.” Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” Rodney Dangerfield
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” Joe E. Lewis
“Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” Sam Levenson
“The harder I work, the luckier I get.” Samuel Goldwyn
“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” Charles M. Schulz
“Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.” Jerry Lewis
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” Mitch Hedberg
“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” Harold Wilson
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” Theodore Roosevelt
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” Jean Giraudoux
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” Bill Vaughan
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” Groucho Marx
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” W. H. Auden
“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” Mark Twain
“My life needs editing.” Mort Sahl
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey
“Men are only as loyal as their options.” Bill Maher
“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.” Spike Milligan
“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.” Albert Einstein
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” Charles Dudley Warner
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” Gloria Steinem
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” W. C. Fields
Short Funny Quotes
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Douglas Adams
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis
“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” Walt Whitman
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham Lincoln
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” Richard Dawkins
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” Jane Wagner
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Buddy Hackett
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” Henry Youngman
“I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.” Richard Lewis
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” Calvin Coolidge
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett
“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” Warren Buffett
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” Mae West
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw
Short Sarcastic Funny Quotes
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” Mark Twain
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” Robin Williams
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” Bertrand Russell
“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” Steve Martin
“It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” Robin Williams
“All generalizations are false, including this one.” Mark Twain
“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.” E. B. White
“What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.” Christopher Fry
Short Witty Quotes
“The next time you have a thought… let it go.” Ron White
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” Steve Martin
“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” William Lyon Phelps
“Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.” Samuel Goldwyn
“Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.” Laurence J. Peter
“If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.” Logan Pearsall Smith
“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” Joey Adams
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” Rodney Dangerfield
Short Funny Captions
“I never said most of the things I said.” Yogi Berra
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’ “Demetri Martin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” George Carlin
“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” Paula Poundstone
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” Thomas Szasz
“A word to the wise is infuriating.” Hunter S. Thompson
“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” Rob Corddry
Hopefully, you’ve found a little fun and laughter in the above list of funny quotes. If you’re interested in more funny, and inspiring words and quotes, be sure to check out:
- 72 Short Happy Quotes To Brighten Your Day
- 50+ Short Quotes For Instagram
- Life Is Short! Funny Quotes to Remind Us
- Very Short Quotes about Life and Inspiration
- 14 Funny Eeyore Quotes (a Little Reverse Psychology!)
- Funny Happy Quotes: For An Easy Laugh
