10 signs your elderly parents are emotionally blackmailing you (and what to do about it) - The Expert Editor (2024)

Are you feeling stressed out or guilty all the time because of your elderly parents?

It’s a tough topic, isn’t it?

They spent years looking after you, and now it’s your turn.

But what if they’re using your feelings to make you do what they want?

It’s important to spot the signs of this emotional blackmail.

We’re not here to blame your parents.

They could be dealing with their own problems.

We just want to help you understand that even in family relationships, people can manipulate each other’s feelings.

In this article, we’ll list 10 signs that might mean your elderly parents are emotionally blackmailing you.

And don’t worry, we’ll also give some advice on how to handle it.

So, let’s get started – because everyone should feel loved and respected in their relationships.

1. They Make You Feel Guilty All The Time

One of the most common signs of emotional blackmail is the constant feeling of guilt. Your parents may remind you frequently about how much they’ve sacrificed for you or how hard their life is now. They might bring up instances from the past where you made mistakes and use them as a weapon to make you feel bad.

For example, they might say things like, “After all we’ve done for you, the least you could do is visit us more often,” or “We never expected our own child to neglect us in our old age.”

These comments are designed to make you feel guilty and oblige you to meet their demands, no matter how unreasonable they may be.

What To Do About It:

Maintaining a healthy relationship with your parents doesn’t mean you have to be consumed by guilt. It’s okay to have boundaries and say no when necessary. If your parents are using guilt to manipulate you, try having an open conversation with them about how this makes you feel.

It might also be helpful to seek support from a counselor or therapist who can provide strategies for dealing with emotional blackmail.

2. They Always Play the Victim

If your parents always portray themselves as victims in every situation, it might be a sign of emotional blackmail. They might consistently bring up their ailments, loneliness, or hardships to make you feel sorry for them. This way, they get you to do what they want by making you feel like you’re the only one who can help them.

For example, they might say things like, “You’re the only one I can rely on,” or “If you don’t help me, no one else will.” This can be a heavy burden to carry and can create an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship.

What To Do About It:

Remember, it’s not your responsibility to solve all of your parents’ problems. It’s essential to practice self-care and set personal boundaries. You can still help them by finding external sources of support such as elderly care services, support groups, or therapy. Try to communicate with them about how their behavior is affecting you and suggest other ways they can get help.

3. They Give You the Silent Treatment

Ah, the silent treatment. It’s a classic tactic, isn’t it?

Let me share a personal experience. My mom once stopped talking to me because I couldn’t attend a family gathering due to work commitments. She didn’t answer my calls or texts for days. When I finally got through, she said, “I was so upset, I just didn’t want to talk.” It was her way of making me feel guilty and showing her disapproval of my choices.

This is a classic sign of emotional blackmail. By withholding communication, your parents are trying to punish you until you do what they want. They’re essentially saying, “If you don’t comply, you’re shutting us out of your life.”

What To Do About It:

Firstly, understand that their silent treatment is not your fault. Avoid apologizing for actions that don’t warrant an apology or changing your behavior to suit them. Instead, try to address the issue directly. Explain how their silence makes you feel and suggest healthier ways to express their disappointment or disagreements.

4. They Use Threats or Ultimatums

Did you know that according to psychologists, threats and ultimatums are classic tools of emotional blackmail?

If your parents often use phrases like “If you don’t do this, then I won’t do that,” or “If you can’t help us, we might as well be alone,” then they’re using fear and obligation to manipulate your actions.

These ultimatums are designed to force you into a corner and make you feel like there’s no other option but to comply with their demands. It’s an unhealthy and unfair way to communicate, pushing you into fulfilling their desires at the cost of your own wellbeing.

What To Do About It:

Try not to give in to these threats. Instead, communicate calmly and assertively about your boundaries. You can say something like, “I understand that you’re upset, but I can’t fulfill your request right now.” It may also be helpful to involve a neutral third party, such as a counselor or mediator, who can facilitate a healthier conversation between you all.

5. They Make You Feel Responsible for Their Happiness

This is a tough one.

Parents, especially those who are aging, can sometimes make their children feel like they’re the sole source of their happiness. You might hear them say things like, “You’re all we have,” or “We only feel happy when you’re around.” While these statements may seem touching at first, they can create an enormous emotional burden.

It’s important to remember that while you can contribute to their happiness, you are not responsible for it. It’s not your job to constantly keep them entertained or satisfied. They have to find joy and contentment in other aspects of life too.

What To Do About It:

Encourage your parents to engage in activities that they enjoy and help them maintain connections with their friends and community. If they are overly dependent on you for their happiness, it may be useful to seek the help of a mental health professional.

6. They Constantly Criticize Your Choices

Here’s a page from my own book. My dad used to habitually criticize my choices, from my career path to the way I was raising my kids. He’d say things like, “In our time, we didn’t do it this way,” or “Why can’t you just do it my way for once?” It felt like a constant judgment of my life and decisions, making me second guess myself at every turn.

If your parents are always criticizing your choices and making you feel inadequate, this could be a form of emotional blackmail. They might use disapproval or disappointment as a weapon to control your actions and decisions.

What To Do About It:

Don’t let their criticism undermine your self-confidence. Remember, you are an adult capable of making your own decisions. Have a frank conversation with them about how their constant criticism makes you feel and ask them to respect your choices.

7. They Compare You To Others

Nothing stings quite like being compared unfavorably to someone else, especially by your own parents. If they’re always pointing out how other children are doing more for their parents, or how you fall short compared to your siblings or cousins, that’s an emotional low blow.

This kind of comparison is a manipulative tactic designed to make you feel inadequate and guilty, pushing you to go beyond your limits to meet their expectations.

What To Do About It:

Truth is, you’re not in a competition. You’re an individual, not a carbon copy of someone else. It’s important that your parents understand this too. Talk to them about how these comparisons hurt you and ask them to stop. If they continue this behavior, it might be time to seek help from a professional who can guide you on how to handle these situations better.

8. They Use Your Love Against You

According to psychologists, love is often used as a tool for manipulation in many family dynamics. If your parents frequently say things like, “If you loved us, you’d do this,” or “We did everything for you because we love you, why can’t you do the same?” they’re using your love for them as leverage.

This is emotional blackmail. By questioning your love, they’re coercing you into doing what they want, making you feel like your love is conditional based on your actions.

What To Do About It:

Remember, love is not an obligation or a debt to be repaid. It’s important to reinforce this fact with your parents. Explain to them that your love for them is unconditional, but it doesn’t mean you can always meet their demands. If this behavior continues, consider seeking professional help to navigate through these emotional hurdles.

9. They Use Emotional Outbursts As a Weapon

This hits close to home for me. My mother was an expert at this. Whenever I didn’t comply with her wishes, she’d burst into tears or get extremely angry. It was her way of making me feel bad so I would give in and do what she wanted.

If your parents frequently have disproportionate emotional reactions to make you feel guilty or anxious, then they’re emotionally blackmailing you. These outbursts can be scary and unsettling, pushing you into submission just to keep the peace.

What To Do About It:

Try not to let these emotional outbursts affect you. It’s easier said than done, I know. But stay calm and composed during these episodes. Talk to them when they’re calm, explaining how their reactions make you feel. If these outbursts are frequent and intense, it might be worth considering involving a mental health professional who can provide guidance and support.

10. They Make You Feel Like You’re Never Doing Enough

Let’s strip it down to the bare bones here. If your parents always make you feel like you’re falling short, like nothing you do is ever good enough or appreciated, then that’s emotional blackmail. They might say things like, “After all we do for you, this is how you repay us?” or “We never thought we’d have to ask our own child for help.”

This constant feeling of inadequacy can take a toll on your mental health, making you feel constantly stressed and never quite up to the mark.

What To Do About It:

Speak your truth. Tell them that their words hurt you and make you feel unappreciated. Ask them to acknowledge your efforts and express their needs without belittling your efforts. If this doesn’t change things, don’t hesitate to seek help from a counselor or therapist.